


Nothing's That Great

by Unda



Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [11]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Twitter, this is not what baking was intended for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 08:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: A Karkat-centric sidefic set in the lead up to chapter 25 of MC Escher. Comprises the free will section: >Dave: Fondly regard KarkatGifted to my buddy Sam who came up with the idea of the Karkat rant that started this all, I hope you like it!





	Nothing's That Great

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apocalypticTaco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apocalypticTaco/gifts).



_Nothing's that great_

_You had bad taste_

_And it's much too late_

_To get back the time you wasted_

_And the who's who of the fucks you said I said_

_When I was young I thought I had grown_

_Becoming mature, but now I am sure_

_That I'm as dumb as I ever was_

 

You’re sat against Karkat’s side in your bedroom, your leg warm against his. He’s watching actual TV on the television on your wall which is unusual for it, the damn thing is basically just your other computer screen and Hal’s personal ‘show things to Dave’ screen. So he’s watching TV and you’re browsing choice memes on the internet on your phone, gotta keep relevant y’all.

 

“Fuck me.” Karkat says with some feeling.

 

“Uh.” you reply, looking up at him.

 

“Fuck Gordon Ramsay!” He adds angrily.

 

“Uhhh???” you add uncertainly.

 

“Should I leave the three of you alone then? That is you two and Gordon Ramsay?” Rose asks, looking over the top of her laptop at you. She’s studying the ancestor’s guide to the hell game that you’re all going to be playing.

 

“Fuck you too!” Karkat accuses.

 

“UH.” you say loudly because there are so many layers of not down with this plan that you have right now. If nothing else you don’t know where to find a celebrity chef. Practical things like that before, uh, ethical considerations and laws.

 

“Just, fuck past me for ever thinking that this show was good. And fuck you, Gordon, that lady is trying her best there! You miserable, crevasse faced, tea-drinking bastard!” he screeches at the TV. Ah, a good old Karkat shitfit.

 

“I take it you used to enjoy the yelling.” Rose guesses, lowering her laptop some more.

 

“It’s ok, you’re more creative there.” you tell him and pat him on the knee awkwardly.

 

“Don’t patronise me. And look, these people are disasters yet but they’re trying and yelling is not helping them!” Karkat insists, waving his hands at the screen.

 

Rose looks at you, raises one eyebrow and mouths ‘projection’ at you. Infuriatingly she might be right, this might be one of those times when Karkat looks like he’s mad at a thing but is really mad at himself.

 

On screen Gordon Ramsay shouts at a man for being incompetent and Karkat snaps.

 

“FUCK YOU! THEY’RE TRYING THEIR BEST GORDON, EXCEPT FOR SALLY YOU CAN ROAST HER THAT GIRL DOESN’T PUT JACK EFFORT INTO HER ASPIRATIONS!” Karkat yells at the TV.

 

“He has a twitter if you want to yell at him straight up. I mean, he has two weeks left to live, what’s he gonna do?” you point out.   

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Rose, use your laptop to tell Gordon Ramsay to go fuck himself!” Karkat demands draping himself over your knees to get to Rose.

 

“I will do no such thing. Tweet him yourself.” Rose says primly, and you feel the hint of a growl rumble through Karkat’s chest where he’s pressed up against you.

 

You pull Gordon Ramsay up on twitter and look at his feed curiously.

 

“You know, he does respond to people. People send him pictures of their food and ask him to rate them.” you tell him and hold up your phone to see.

 

“I could do that. I could make a giant cake with ‘Fuck you Gordon you over criticising physical interpretation of a mop those people tried their best’ on it!” Karkat crows in glee.

 

“If you did that, I would take the most glorious food porn photos of that cake.” you vow.

 

“Yessss.” Karkat hisses in glee, drumming his claws excitedly on your kneecap.

 

“That’s a lot to ice on one cake. Can you even bake?” Rose asks curiously.

 

At her words Karkat seems to deflate and he slumps down over your knees. You reach out and pet his hair consolingly.

 

“Jane bakes. I mean, obviously she does, she used to own Betty Crocker. I’m sure she could teach you.” Rose suggests.

 

“Do you think she would? I’ve never really talked to her, just yelled at people in the group chat and insulted her brother.” Karkat says uncertainly.

 

“You could ask, she’s pretty chill. Not as cool as Dirk but still pretty cool.” you agree and scratch at his scalp. You can feel him purr ever so slightly.

 

“Dirk isn’t cool, he’s a dork. His name is only one letter from that, I’ve busted his secret wide open. And you two are just as lame.” he accuses sleepily but becomes more alert when you take your hand away from him in mock offence.

 

“You’re saying that Roxy is the coolest out of us all?” Rose gasps in faux shock.

 

“Tied with Hal.” Karkat replies meanly.

 

“You are my favourite troll, Karkat.” Hal says from your TV with a quiet laugh.

 

“Traitor.” you accuse them both and drop your legs flat so that Karkat falls off of the bed with a loud curse.

 

“We can ask Dirk if Jane is around to teach him, assuming you want to still help him.” Rose offers.

 

You hum thoughtfully and reach out with your foot to poke Karkat in the side, the squawks indignantly, and that noise turns into a high pitched chitter when you wiggle your toes against his grub scars through his sweater. He slaps you in the knee and crab crawls backwards away wheezing.

 

“I think he’s suffered enough.” you say smugly.

 

“You think so?” Rose purrs sliding to your side properly to look down at Karkat with a sinister smile.

 

“I hate you both.” Karkat wheezes.

 

You stand up and pull him to his feet, though he glares at you suspiciously as you do so. You walk out of your room and across to Dirk’s, he’s talking to Hal and pacing back and forth.

 

“Yes, we have a stack of them here and at Jane’s but we need the method for making them.” Dirk argues.

 

“They have some very beefy security, I can’t get in there without them noticing something awry. Or at least I can’t promise it, there’s always human stupidity to account for.” Hal argues back.

 

“Well can’t you just make it look like you’re someone else, like-” Dirk says but Hal finishes his words off for him.

 

“Like corporate espionage, oh, yes that’s good. Well, that will take care of Pfizer and with that the last of the major drug companies.” Hal says.

 

“And the instructions for how to make the equipment that makes it.” Dirk adds.

 

“That’s already on the list but I’ll see if they have any machinery I don’t already know about.” Hal agrees.

 

“And what luck have you had with troll medicine?” Dirk asks and then suddenly seems to notice you. You don’t think it’s ever taken him that long.

 

“Getting there, the research is patchy and frankly subpar but frankly they get fewer diseases than we do. Most of their illnesses are psychological or when they’re physical they’re either terminal or basically just a cold. Trolls are much hardier than humans.” Hal answers.

 

“We are generally better.” Karkat agrees at your side.

 

“Modest too.” Dirk snorts.

 

“You’re still hoarding knowledge with Hal?” you ask.

 

“Yeah, we’re focusing on medical this week. Hal already had almost complete medical knowledge but now he knows more than anyone else and we’ve got all the books to teach anyone else to do that too, but the problem is medicine itself. I can’t get everything that exists so I need to know how to make it and what it’s made of and where to find those materials, how to refine them, how to build the machine that does those things. It’s a rabbit hole of knowledge.” Dirk rambles, raking his hands through his uncharacteristically messy hair.

 

“But Signless said the game has a way to create things we need, he said it was like alchemy.” Karkat protests.

 

“And what if it’s not like that in this one? What if that feature is taken out as punishment for resetting like this, we already know things are different this time around. Plus, what if we need to know what raw materials to put in to get what we need? I can’t count on it just working out by magic! And I certainly won’t have time to trial and error this shit if someone is hurt or sick!” Dirk argues, and there’s a note of hysteria in his voice.

 

You nod and carefully take your phone out.

 

[turntechGodhead began pestering autonomousTerminal]

TG: uh when was the last time dirk slept?   
AT: For more than two hours?   
TG: yeah  
AT: About four days ago.   
TG: well shit

 

“Hey, Dirk I have a problem that I need your help with. Uh, Karkat can you give us a minute?” you ask carefully and walk into Dirk’s room, shutting the door behind you. Dirk’s focus is on you like a laser sight.

 

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?” he asks.

 

“I am but, uh, Karkat’s kind of freaking out a little. He’s doing that thing where he gets angry at something that isn’t the real thing he’s angry at. But I think that’s a good thing, we’re already doing all we can to prepare for the game so focusing on something else would be good for him, right?” you say carefully.

 

“Yeah. Absolutely. Knowing the game is coming is helpful in a practical way but pretty mentally stressful especially for someone the age you two are. Distraction is a good idea. What did you have in mind?” Dirk asks, nodding seriously.

 

“Well, he was getting angry at Gordon Ramsay of all things, but he was thinking of making a cake and icing a message on it and getting the guy to rate it on twitter. But Karkat can’t bake yet, so maybe we could practice in the kitchen if we buy some stuff?” you ask and deliberately don’t suggest it, if Dirk thinks the whole thing is his idea then he’ll feel better. More in control. You don’t like having to be underhanded like this and it’s not really your deal but living with your sisters has taught you a few things.

 

“Well Jane could teach him, and she’d probably welcome the distraction too. I can ask her if she’d want to teach him.” Dirk muses.

 

“That’d be awesome.” you agree.

 

“I should probably stop and talk to Jane anyway, just to see if she’s holding up ok. And I can pay for anything you need out of the college fund I had for you. It’s not like you’ll get the chance to use it now anyway. Hm, Hal could you-” Dirk says, turning to the screen.

 

“College courses are already on my list, all kinds of distance learning, academic texts and video talks on all kinds of subjects. I’ll get to it.” Hal assures him.

 

“Right.” Dirk nods sleepily.

 

“Well, sit down, call Jane. I’ll go hang with Karkat.” you say ushering to him to his computer chair where he sits down with a level of bone tiredness that makes you feel so sad for him.

 

“Yeah, ok.” he agrees, and you sneak out of his room as he starts calling Jane.

 

Karkat is leaning against the wall watching you carefully, his ear twitches as he smiles at you conspiritally.

 

“I sometimes forget you’re as sneaky as Rose can be.” he says quietly, or quietly for him at least.

 

“Hey, let’s not go that far.” you say defensively. Karkat laughs at you and you get to see all of his pointy alien teeth as he does so.

 

“Your stuff probably won’t arrive until tomorrow if Dirk’s gonna order it for you so that you can personally flip off a professional chef via food, so come on.” you urge him and take him back to your room. Rose has vacated your space and so you’re able to convince Karkat to stay put and watch a movie so that he’s still enough for you to draw him. Only he doesn’t stay still, but you’re able to get quick sketches of his fantastically expressive face. You’re not quite okay with showing him your serious drawings yet but he knows of them.  

 

The next day your kitchen is filled with baking equipment of all sorts and honestly you pity the no doubt confused as all fuck postal workers who must think that someone in your home has developed a shopping addiction in the last few months. Which is true, sort of, if that person is Dirk and it’s less of an addiction and more a hoarding shit for the actual end of the world kind of deal.

 

If the world wasn’t actually going to end it would probably count as a disorder by this point.

 

Although speaking of disorders you know he’s stopped going to therapy. You’re finding it weird to go when there’s so much you can’t tell her but you’re still going. You’re getting her to teach you practical shit and how to deal with the feelings that you have about having killed someone. Given that the game has fighting in it that may well come up again so you can at least be prepared for that. You’re pretty sure that whatever Dirk is doing to himself is not good but talking to Jane yesterday seemed to help and he actually slept. Maybe you can come up with an excuse to have him help you and Karkat with your cake making.

 

“I am out of my depth.” Karkat whispers in horror as he takes in the assortment of machines and tools set out. You balance your laptop on several books and then video call Jane.

 

“Enjoy the swim.” you tell him and walk around to his side of the counter where the laptop is facing.

 

Jane answers the call with a smile on her round face.

 

“Hey, Dave!” Jane says brightly.

 

“Hey, Jane.” you reply.

 

“And Karkat, I know we’ve sort of met and you shout a lot in the group messages but I don’t think we’ve really ever directly talked much like this, have we?” Jane asks, her overbite dimpling her lips just like John’s does. God, you had an embarrassing crush on her too when you younger, which you will tell _no one_ about. Roxy already knows because you once called Jane “John’s hot sister” and Roxy just agreed with you and winked.

 

“Uh, no. Not really. Are you going to help me bake a cake a yell at a professional chef?” Karkat asks awkwardly.

 

“I’ve met him actually, we were both at an event at the same time. He was quite nice if I recall.” Jane says thoughtfully.

 

“Don’t you sully my message! Just teach me how to make my vengeance cake!” Karkat demands and Jane laughs brightly.  

 

You hop up onto the counter out of Karkat’s way and let Jane walk him through the process of baking a cake. Roxy comes along soon enough and sits on the counter next to you and chats to Jane when Karkat is watching the mixer intently or weighing things out and doesn’t require much instruction.

 

It’s pretty lucky that you’re all not in school Roxy and Jane both bit the bullet and went ahead and paid to take their last exams and graduate early. The rest of you are just ditching school or calling in sick. It's not like there’s any reason to go to school anymore because the world is ending. What're they gonna do, put you in kid jail? No way. The worst they do is get a social worker involved, and hey your boyfriend's dad IS a social worker. He even called Dirk up on behalf of the school and honest to god said:

 

"Your children should be in school, I'm definitely scolding you for that."

 

And Dirk replied in total deadpan:

 

"I am completely ashamed and filled with parental woe."

 

Then they both just hung up.

 

“I don’t think this turned out great.” Karkat says, holding up the sponge cake.

 

“Don’t worry about that, that can be your bottom tier. You’ll need a couple for your icing to have enough room. Come on, get baking again, there’s still more cake to make!” Jane laughs and Karkat nods with seriousness set into his features and starts up again. You eat some raw cake mix because you live your life on the goddamn edge, salmonella poisoning be damned.

 

The smell of baking and the sound of laughing and cursing eventually draws everyone else in your home except your mother out. A tired Dirk leans on the counter between Roxy’s legs as she shuffles back to make room for him. Jane lectures him on sleeping as Roxy crunches Dirk’s hair to work the gel out of it and make him relax at least a little. Rose helps Karkat plan out his message to the chef in flowing cursive and she and Jane debate decoration on the iced message like glitter or edible gold leaf.

 

“Don’t you think you need to relax too Dirk?” Roxy asks, leaning her chin on the top of Dirk’s head.

 

“I am relaxing, and there’s nothing I can do right now. Hal is downloading things and I can’t think of anything else that I can add right now.” Dirk sighs and she skritches at his scalp and teases some more of his hair loose.

 

“Because you’re working yourself too thin!” Jane scolds.

 

“Everyone feels useless here and terrified, you’ve been the least useless of anyone. Jane is this cool enough yet for me to impale it on the cake-stick-thing?” Karkat says, looking at the cooling top tier of his cake.

 

“Yes, you’ll need to freeze it anyway so it just needs to be cool enough for you to do a crumb coat of frosting and then a real coat, then you can freeze it as you make the mirror glaze.” Jane answers.

 

“I think I understood about ten percent of that.” you say and take a picture of Karkat carefully setting the top tier of his cake in place.

 

You look at Dirk who is scowling at nothing in particular and you can see the tense set to his jaw, he looks like he used to when Bro was skulking around in a bad mood and obviously intending on starting a strife soon. He looks tense and readied for action.

 

“Dirk?” you ask cautiously.

 

“I gotta do something.” He mutters and pushes up away from the counter and away from Roxy. As he moves some of his hair flops into his eyes and he makes a frustrated noise which Roxy and Jane both giggle at.

 

“What’ve you gotta do?” you ask curiously.

 

“Talk to Mom.” he says stiffly.

 

“Your mom, I mean. Well… fuck. My mom too.” Dirk says unhappily.

 

“I have never heard you call her Mom, ever. It’s always ‘your mom’ or ‘Roxanne’. Sometimes ‘that bitch’ but never Mom. And biologically speaking she’s-” Roxy starts to say.

 

“Yeah, I know, alright? But I have zero first-hand memories of my parents, only what she and Bro told me of them or movies I found. She raised me for the first five years of my life and sure she did a shitty job and I hate her but she’s your mom and Dave and Rose’s mom and you only get the one. This place is going to be a smoking crater come the thirteenth and-” Dirk trails off with a shake of his head.

 

“Even if when we get where we’re going and we tell her to take a hike I’ll be happier than knowing that we left her to die here. She at least deserves a choice and it’s not like she doesn’t know she’s going to die, that’s probably why she’s been acting so much crazier since she found out. She doesn’t even know that we know. I just want to give her a choice, it’s more than she did for us but…” Dirk seems lost for words.

 

“She wasn’t always so bad.” Roxy finishes for him and Dirk nods.

 

“You know, since I met you again I remembered more about what things were liked when we used to live together. When Bro and Mom were still together. I think I blocked a lot of it out, but I remember things. I remember how she used to be better, away a lot but better. I remember that Bro used to be nice sometimes too. I have this crystal clear memory of being on his lap and him reading something to me, but I can also remember him and Mom having this furious argument and breaking plates everywhere and us hiding under the coffee table.” Roxy says swinging her legs and looking at the floor.

 

You frown, you don’t recall Bro ever reading to you. Dirk taught you to read under the covers of your bed with a torch held between you. You feel a stupid pang of envy that Roxy got to see Bro as human ever.

 

“Bro is dead and Mom is a shit parent, but I don’t know if can deal with being responsible for-” he cuts himself off and you realise that Jane is still on the call to Karkat and can hear all of this. She doesn’t know that Dirk is the reason Bro is dead, or at least you don’t think she does.

 

“I get it. Go.” Roxy says and pushes Dirk in that direction with her foot.

 

Karkat clicks the mixer on and industriously works instead of saying anything about any of that and Jane quietly instructs him how to make frosting.

 

Several hours later and one almost pornographically detailed video of Karkat pouring mirror glaze over his three tiered cake the creation is almost ready. Karkat practices his icing on paper several times first and you set up camera equipment to take the best photographs of his work possible.

 

He eventually stands there with a bag of icing in his trembling hands and a look of FIERCE concentration on his face.

 

“Stop watching me! You’re making me nervous!” He yells and you all go and sit on the sofa and leave him in the kitchen.

 

When you’re all sat there and Karkat is nervously icing Dirk comes back and drops into a seat next to you. He slides down in it with a tired sigh and you can tell his eyes are closed. His hair is a mess, half gel free and softish and half spikes going all the wrong way. You raise your camera and take a picture, the shutter clicks as you do.

 

“You better not be doing what I think you’re doing.” Dirk says warningly and you sneak off of the sofa.

 

“I’m gonna check on Karkat for totally unrelated reasons now, bye.” you say quickly and make yourself scarce.

 

You come into the kitchen as Karkat is dusting his hands off on his now somewhat grubby apron. He reaches back and undoes it, dropping it on the side by the sink.

 

“You’re done?” You ask.

 

“Have a look! You should be proud Karkat, you did so well!” Jane says from the laptop.

 

“I just followed your instructions.” Karkat says, sounding more than a little tired.

 

“That’s harder than you make it sound, silly!” Jane insists.

 

You walk around and stand in front of Karkat’s masterpiece.

 

It is a three tier cake with black and red mirror icing on it that is so smooth and perfect that you can see your own reflection in it when you get close. Iced across all three layers in flowing gorgeous font are the words, in all capitals of course, “FUCK YOU GORDON YOU OVER CRITICISING PHYSICAL INTERPRETATION OF A MOP THOSE PEOPLE TRIED THEIR BEST!”

 

The icing is pure white but here and there Karkat has added edible pearls, shimmering food glitter and gold leaf. It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful cake you have ever seen and also the most obscene. It’s ridiculous, it’s amazing, you LOVE IT.

 

“I’m going to take a million photos of this amazing thing now.” you whisper in awe and proceed to do just that, you’ll pick and edit only the very best photos for him and you will PERSONALLY upload it onto twitter for him.

 

“You’re going to be internet famous.” you tell Karkat as you show him the pictures.

 

“Just what I always wanted.” Karkat snorts.

 

“How does it feel? Being an artisté?” you ask with a grin.

 

“Hungry is how it feels. I want to eat this cake now, do you have all of your pictures?” he asks and you nod, stowing your camera away. You pick up a cake slice for him but Karkat tiredly waves at you to cut his cake. You hesitate and call everyone in to look at it in person first.

 

Everyone is suitably impressed.

 

You’re still standing there with the cake slice, looking at the glorious thing with trepidation.

 

“It’s too perfect, I can’t ruin it.” you whine, and Karkat stomps past you and promptly sticks a few fingers into the top of the cake and pulls out a hunk of cake and frosting and eats it right there.

 

“There, it’s not perfect now. I’ll have that part.” he tells you smugly through a mouthful of cake.

 

You stare at him for a moment and think about the fact that of all people this is your soulmate. Nevertheless you’re then able to cut the cake and give Karkat his pre-mangled section. You serve everyone and you end up with a slice that has “FU” iced onto it, which you also love.

 

You’ve not eaten a lot of cake in your life, but this is pretty clearly the best cake you have ever eaten. Damn Karkat might have a secret talent here. You all sit on the sofa and eat cake and even Dirk seems to relax to do so. Karkat takes his cake home that evening and his family all tell him that it’s great and honestly it was nice to do something today that wasn’t worrying about the game.

 

That night you set up the best photos and tweet them to Gordon Ramsay himself, asking him to rate the cake made by your soulmate who is critical of his show. Jane retweets your tweet almost instantly and it blows up in favourites and retweets.

 

When you wake up in the morning you find that the chef has replied with just one word ‘perfect’. You send it to Karkat and he calls you up just to screech down the phone in shock and glee.

 


End file.
